As I write this I find that it is increasingly difficult for one to keep their attention on one thing at a time. Whether it is the sheer amount of information coming in from all angles working to keep your attention, or whether it is a habit of human nature to want to do more than one thing at a time, I suspect that at least for me in this very moment, it has something to do with having too much time on my hands. Sometimes it feels like that I am searching for that feeling of accomplishment, of achievement, of having something to do that it excites me. I have had this feeling since I was in high school, the mini highs I would get downloading new apps and delaying their usage because the anticipation seemed more exciting than actually using the app. Buying books for the sake of it despite the fact that I probably won’t read them in this very moment. Moving all of my digital media from one storage solution to another; or unsubscribing from certain YouTube channels, looking for the best solution to a problem I perceive to have like:
Which is better, ebooks or physical books? Which platform is better, amazon, kindle or kobo? Should I buy new hiking shoes for when I go walk. Should I buy some new shoes to go out and use my gym shoes and hiking shoes for their own sole purposes? I should research which is the most secure and private email provider. Is there anything that we use right now that we could reliably consider to be more permanent than another, and if so which one? On top of all this is this feeling of always being all in or all out on something. I dont like being half way in anything. That includes things I personally buy like dvd’s and cd’s instead of digital content, physical books instead of e-books, or just what kind of things I should invest in and why. It almost seems like everywhere I go, there is something that wants to grab my attention. It wants to pull me in a new direction with new options when what is available right now is reasonably well.
Maybe it is this chase for a feeling of security, of longevity, that things can be the same or as future proved. We crave this feeling of forever, of things being the same and safe and that we have made the best decisions after considering all of our circumstances. And yet I ask myself, for what purpose do I fret over these trivial things? I mean what exactly is the point. I worry about all my physical books and whether buying them was a good idea. On the one hand, I crave this feeling of being identified via my books, about the experience of reading them and the feeling the books mingle with the reading, and yet, I have bounced around 3-5 different books in the last month and have not finished one yet. I crave the ebook and e-readers for their practicality and yet dislike the way in which the books are stuck to one service (amazon or barnes and noble) as if they can be taken away and I am suddenly going to need them and won’t be able to acquire them. As if my books couldn’t disappear in a blazing fire. As if I couldn’t drop dead or get hurt and not be able to read again. It is this feeling of clinging, of wanting to keep that which is impermanent in the world. Of wanting to leave behind something for someone we may never see or meet. And yet change is inevitable. To try to fight it, to try to ignore and stay stuck in ways which are not practical is to try to wage war against nature itself. For even the earth, with its seemingly permanent nature changes frequently. I change a lot of things willingly or not. Nothing is permanent, and it is important that I learn to let go, and be willing to let go of everything I hold dear, including my books. We read for information, for learning, for adventure, but I dont believe that one should read to “trophy” those books on the shelf. I hate to admit that I own more books that I havent read than those that I have.
I dislike the attachment that I place on these things, whether it is for a feeling, for a need to want to feel better about my life or that I am doing something worthwhile, instead of experiencing and realizing that nothing is permanent. Despite the fact that I didn’t even believe this to be true in myself, most people, most of the time, will opt for what is most convenient. Including me. Everything has its drawbacks, and I try to choose what would be best in the moment. Coming back to my book argument, although I love the feeling and the covers and the way physical books almost help me convey who I am to the world, sometimes it’s nice to lay in bed in the dark and read. It is more comfortable, more portable, easier to annotate (especially when out and about) and less prone to damage unlike a book. But in the end, we chase feelings just as much as we chase practicality. The question remains.
As for me, I believe that my attachment to my books are erroneous in the sense that I feel secure in having my books, almost like the books give me meaning, they remind me of those things I love and have experienced. I love how they represent me as someone who loves to learn and appreciates those beautiful words that writers have carefully crafted for those whom could appreciate it. I know I have.
Au revoir.
